Different Parts Of Me: Understanding Self Using IFS Therapy

"I know I’m hurting myself, but there's a part of me that won't let me stop."

Whether it’s literal self-harming behaviours, or other destructive behaviours like addiction, impulsive acts, or spiralling negative thoughts, many of us who battle mental health struggles know that the behaviour is destructive. Yet, something keeps us going back.

The feeling of inner conflicts and having ‘different parts’ in oneself is a common one. In fact, this way of speaking about ‘parts’ has become a widely used framework in mental health therapy. Used in various psychological theories and tools, ‘parts work’ is one way to understand oneself better, while embracing the multifaceted nature of your personality.

So let’s take a look at one of these tools that we use in our counselling centre in Singapore, called Internal Family Systems.

What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)?

IFS is built on the idea that every person has different "parts" – or subpersonalities inside of them. These parts are always in us, but they can evolve as we grow, interact with each other, and respond to external circumstances (like big life changes).

Here are some of the core ideas of IFS:

• Each part has a positive intention – it is trying to protect or help you in some way.

• A part can become destructive when they become too extreme – for example, when you are under great stress or when you feel particularly vulnerable.

• Healing does not come from eliminating these parts, but from understanding, caring for, and helping them take on healthier roles.

• Beneath all the parts is your core Self – a calm, compassionate leader that brings balance to the parts.

The three types of parts in IFS

Most parts, according to IFS, can be broadly put into three categories according their role:

1. Exiles

Exiles are the most vulnerable parts of oneself. They hold unresolved wounds – such as past hurt, shame, rejection, or fear. To protect oneself from the pain, people tend to hide away the exiles.

2. Managers

Managers are the parts that help you function in daily life. They are proactive, often trying to keep things under control and prevent you from getting hurt. Managers often work hard to keep everything "together" - but they can become a source of burnout or anxiety when taken too far.

You might recognise them as:

·      The inner critic who helps you perform excellently at work, but is harsh on yourself when things don’t meet your standards.

·      The logical part who takes pride in being systematic, rationale, and being a great problem-solver, but at the expense of suppressing your own emotions.

·      The caretaker who takes on great responsibility to take care of others, but neglects taking care of oneself.

3. Firefighters

Firefighters are parts that step in when emotional pain breaks through. Their role is to quickly soothe, distract, or numb overwhelming feelings to protect you from pain.

This can show up as:

·      Impulsive behaviours

·      Avoidance

·      Addictive patterns (e.g. excessive gaming, scrolling, substance use)

During a time where you feel particularly threatened, Firefighter parts may show up more extremely and lead to destructive habits.

How parts show up in everyday life

Now that you know about parts, how do they play out in real life? Parts can interact and evolve with time, and understanding them can bring clarity to your own behaviours and thoughts. Let’s take a look at two examples to see how parts play off each other:

The Perfectionist: You might be seen as a high achiever - driven, disciplined, and always striving for more. But beneath this could be a ‘Perfectionist’ part working hard to protect a younger, more vulnerable part of you.

The ‘Inner Child’ part carries memories of being criticised or only praised for achievements. The ‘Perfectionist’ steps in to prevent those painful feelings of inadequacy from resurfacing.

Over time, you might always feel anxious and insecure of your achievements, as the fears of inadequacy was never properly addressed, even while you put more and more pressure on yourself to perform.

The Gamer: A person who grew up being bullied might struggle with low self-esteem, thinking oneself as ugly, unwanted, and not fun to be with.

To cope, a ‘Gamer’ part takes over, as they enjoy the sense of control, success, and belonging that they experience in the virtual world.

After a big relationship fallout, the ‘Gamer’ part may dominate even more, becoming a form of escape from the sense of rejection. Although they recognise that it is affecting their life, it feels impossible to stop - because letting go means facing the painful emotions it has been protecting them from.

Finding that inner balance

IFS is not about ‘fixing’ yourself or getting rid of certain parts of yourself. Instead, it is about building understanding, empathy, and care for the different parts of you. It might look like addressing unresolved hurts, or finding ways to tell your parts that they are safe – so that they don’t need to slip into the extreme versions of themselves. The goal of IFS-informed therapy is to work towards balance in your inner system, so that you can let your Self lead with calmness and compassion.

If you find yourself stuck in patterns you don't fully understand, or caught in inner conflicts that feel hard to resolve, you don't have to navigate it alone. We have therapists trained in IFS therapy in Singapore who can help you explore your inner world safely and compassionately - and begin the process of healing from within.