top of page
Search

Signs You May Have Unprocessed Relationship Trauma

Writer's picture: ElianaEliana

couple sitting on a bed after an argument

Do you find yourself being unable to sustain a long-term relationship? Or do your relationships seem to always fail for the same reasons? Sometimes, what might be plaguing our relationships is what people call ‘emotional baggage’ – also known as unresolved trauma. These are feelings and thoughts that continue to affect our mind even though the triggering incident has passed. As a result, we might act out of fear or distrust in present relationships, sabotaging the relationship.


It's not always easy to admit that you are struggling with unprocessed relationship trauma. Sometimes, you may not even realise it yourself. But recognising the issue is often the critical first step you need to start making changes to enjoy better relationships.

Some behaviours may clue you in on the emotional baggage that is weighing you down. Here are some of them and why they may arise:


1. Distrust

A past experience of being betrayed or disappointed by someone may lead you to develop a fear of trusting others. As a way of protecting yourself, you avoid showing your vulnerabilities – which may hinder you from being honest with your partner.


Distrust may also lead to controlling behaviours, where you demand to know excessive details about your partner’s movements and who they have met, for example. Or, you might constantly suspect that your partner is lying, leading to false accusations and distance between you and your partner.


2. Paranoia

Paranoia is excessive fear that something bad may happen. When your experiences with relationships have mostly been negative, you may constantly fear the worst for your present or future relationship.


The fear may cripple you, hindering you from investing your fullest into the relationship. You may feel afraid of commitment – even if you think you truly love your partner – as you fear hurting them in the event that things go south.


3. Anger and resentment

Hurtful experiences can cause you to have deep-seated resentment towards certain individuals in your life – or even towards yourself. When that anger and resentment is unresolved, it can manifest in short-temperedness and irritability in other relationships.

You may also continue to pin blame on certain people for the state of your past relationships, taking on a victim mentality and constantly feeling targeted and shortchanged.  


4. Guilt or regret

When you blame yourself for what happened in your past relationships, the feelings of guilt and regret may carry over into your subsequent relationships. You may often second-guess yourself, apologise excessively for things that are not necessarily your fault, or become overwhelmed with trying to ‘make things right’.


Guilt and regret often also festers in the mind, causing you to overthink and feel stuck in the past. These unresolved emotions make it difficult for you to be emotionally available and present for your current partner.


Addressing unresolved relationship trauma

If there is any reason to suspect that you may be grappling with unprocessed relationship trauma – or so-called ‘emotional baggage’ – it’s important to take steps to resolve them. Resolving trauma does not mean the difficult feelings will go away, but it helps you recover and get to a point where you can become emotionally stronger and learn from your experiences. It will also aid in your present or future relationships, allowing you to be more emotionally available with a renewed perspective.


At our counselling centre in Upper Thomson, Singapore, we provide couples counselling as well as individual mental health therapy for relationship issues – past or present. It is our goal that anyone who comes to us can walk away feeling empowered with a better understanding of their issues and how to come to terms with them. Let us help you work towards a better self and learn how to love more strongly and healthily!

bottom of page