
Ever heard of attachment styles? Attachment styles is one way in which psychologists describe the way humans interact with each other in relationships. During childhood, the focus of attachment styles is between the child and their caregivers. During adulthood, attachment styles may describe how people behave in their relationships – including friendships and romantic relationships.
Very often, one’s attachment style as an adult is influenced by their relationship with their parents or caregivers in early childhood. This is why talking to a therapist near you about your childhood and relationship with your parents can be a great eye-opener – it helps you become aware of patterns in your relationships and points you towards potential challenges in your future relationships.
Four types of attachment styles
Attachment styles generally fall into four main categories: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganised. However, it is best to view the styles as a spectrum, as most people will not exhibit all the traits from one style, and may display traits from two or more styles. Besides one’s early emotional bonds with their caregivers, a multitude of other factors also come into play in impacting our behaviour in relationships.
Secure attachment
As children, individuals with secure attachment style rely on their parents for comfort. When separated from their parent, they become uneasy – but when reunited with their parent, they seek comfort from them. This is usually the case when the caregivers are attentive to the child’s needs and the child learns that their parents are people they can rely on.
As adults, these individuals are emotionally secure and tend to form long-lasting and stable relationships with others. They are often more empathetic, trusting, and emotionally available to people they form relationships with. Many people with secure attachment style also have high self-esteem and are not afraid to seek out social support when they need it.
Anxious attachment
Children with the anxious attachment style became upset when separated from their parent, and are not easily consoled even when their parent returned. This tends to happen when the child feels like the parents are not reliable in attending to their needs, hence they do not feel assured even when their parents return.
Children with the anxious attachment style often have a fear of abandonment – which persists into adulthood and manifests as clingy and needy behaviour. They may over-rely on their partner for validation, have low self-esteem, and find it difficult to trust others easily.
Avoidant attachment
An early childhood characterised by caregivers who do not provide the child with sufficient emotional support often leads to a child with the avoidant attachment style. The parents may provide for the child physically (e.g. food, housing, toys), but are not emotionally available most of the time. The child then grows up learning not to rely on anyone else for emotional support.
Adults with the avoidant attachment style are often perceived as self-reliant and emotionally guarded. They do not open up easily to others, and tend to have difficulty empathising with others. This makes it difficult for adults of the avoidant attachment style to form deep bonds with others.
Disorganised attachment
The disorganised attachment style is the most extreme and rare one that typically affects individuals who were neglected or abused in their early years. Children in this category may have both feelings of reliance and fear towards their parents or caregivers, leading to confusion and anxiety.
Going into adulthood, these individuals may exhibit signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles, including difficulty trusting others, difficulty regulating their emotions, displaying inconsistent behaviours, and high levels of anxiety. Persons with this attachment style may seek out intimacy, but push people away as they fear that others will also behave in unpredictable ways.
Conclusion
The attachment theory is just one out of many ways to explain certain patterns in our relationships, but it doesn’t mean that you will have a perfect relationship if you have a secure attachment style, or that your relationship is doomed to fail if you are of a disorganised attachment style. All relationships come with their challenges and unique circumstances, and knowing your attachment style helps you understand these and learn strategies to overcome them.
Most people find it useful to attend therapy sessions individually or consult a relationship therapist as a couple. As a starting point, these are great ways to discover more about your attachment styles and other relationship patterns you have, enabling you to work on them for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.