What Does My Therapist Mean By Emotional Regulation?

Have you ever lashed out at someone in a fit of anger, only to regret it later? Or felt like you were trapped in a sea of sadness that you can’t escape?

Every day, we experience a range of emotions – some more intense than others, and some more positive than others. Situations can trigger emotions in us, and these emotions can fuel our behaviour and actions. Sometimes, when we are so affected by our emotions, it can take a toll on our body or lead us to do hurtful things to others.

That’s where emotional regulation comes in – a skill that empowers us to have control over our own emotions and behaviours.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage one’s emotions and resulting actions. Some ways you might regulate your emotions include calming yourself down when you feel anxious or upset (an example of down-regulation), or hyping yourself up before a big presentation or competition (an example of up-regulation).

A lot of people misunderstand the concept, thinking that emotional regulation means masking or suppressing one’s feelings. For example, to hide that you are feeling threatened or vulnerable, you may smile or laugh instead. However, suppression is just one method of emotional regulation, and experts consider it a less-desirable way to regulate emotions. Masking creates a dissonance between one’s emotions and actions, which feels inauthentic and does not address the root of the negative emotions.

If you see a mental health therapist in Singapore, they may instead guide you to do something called reappraisal, when one reframes the situation they are experiencing and change their emotional response to it. For example, instead of being upset about a failure, you can shift your perspective to view it as a learning process. This could help you feel less strongly negative about your circumstances. Psychology research shows that individuals who use reappraisal strategies experience less negative feelings, better interpersonal relationships, and more resilience, compared to those who routinely used the suppression approach.

Why is emotional regulation important?

Being able to regulate emotions is essential not only for maintaining social relationships but also for protecting our mental health. Without this skill, people may find themselves (over-)reacting in socially unacceptable ways, including frequent outbursts, breakdowns, or hurtful words. People who struggle with managing their emotions tend to also find it more difficult to overcome periods of grief, anxiety, or stress. In the long run, this not only affects one’s mental health but also their physical health.

How can one improve on emotional regulation?

So how can we improve our ability to regulate emotions? It begins with emotional awareness — the ability to identify and name what we’re feeling.

Try this: Notice the physical sensations in your body when you feel certain emotions. For example, you might feel sweaty palms, a clenched jaw, and a racing heartbeat when you are nervous. Learning to notice these cues can help us catch the emotion early and intervene before it becomes overwhelming.

Keeping a journal can also help you keep track of these experiences to understand yourself and your emotions better. In it, you can record down incidents and patterns, including triggers for certain emotions, how you typically respond, and what helps you feel better. This form of self-reflection builds emotional intelligence and helps you make more intentional choices the next time similar feelings arise.

At the same time, work on your reactions during emotionally-charged moments. When you are feeling the urge to react impulsively, pause. Practice deep breathing exercises to slow down and give yourself time to re-think: Will I regret this later? Is there a better way to express what I’m feeling? Practising this pause can help you respond with intention, rather than react on autopilot.

Even after the moment has passed, it's valuable to reflect on your emotional experiences. Consider what went well, what didn’t, and what you might do differently next time. Over time, this process of mindful reflection helps to strengthen your emotional resilience.

Finding it hard to regulate your emotions?

It’s worth acknowledging that some people may find emotional regulation more difficult than others, especially if they have a personality disorder or other mental health conditions. Regardless, speaking with a licensed counsellor near you can be incredibly beneficial. Whether it is individual sessions or group therapy in Singapore, counselling provides a supportive environment to explore your emotional patterns and build effective coping strategies tailored to your needs.

Ultimately, emotional regulation is not about denying emotions or striving for constant calm. It's about learning to acknowledge your emotions and experiences, while navigating your own response to it with awareness, skill, and compassion — towards yourself and others. The more we practise, the more confident and in control we can feel, even in life’s most challenging moments.