
Is it possible to salvage a marriage after one partner has cheated on the other? What would mending such a marriage look like? In the wake of two high-profile affairs being exposed in Singapore’s political landscape in the past few weeks, it got many people wondering how the ex-politicians would rebuild their relationship with their spouses and families.
It is a situation that no one wishes to be in; but if you do find yourself in a similar boat – or know someone else who is – it is a good idea to briefly understand how the process of recovery works. Of course, the couple may choose to end their marriage altogether and go their separate ways. But it is also possible for a couple to reconcile if they both agree to try to fix the relationship and continue in marriage. Here’s what that might look like:
1. Allow yourself time to process and heal
A lot of high-intensity emotions are triggered upon the discovery of infidelity, whether it is guilt and fear by the one who had an affair, or feelings of hurt and betrayal by the one who was cheated on. These can lead to heated arguments, rash decisions, and actions that cause even more hurt to each other, like harsh words or even violence.
Prevent such situations by abstaining from making decisions that are spurred by heightened emotions. Instead, allow both your spouse and yourself time and space individually to manage the negative thoughts and let those feelings settle. When both are more calm, you can meet up again and decide on what will happen to your marriage.
2. Find out the cause
There is often an underlying reason why someone ends up cheating on their spouse. It might be due to a lack of affection, attention, or commitment by one or both partners, self-esteem issues or a mismatch of expectations. Major life changes – such as going into a long-term relationship or birthing a child – may also trigger some people to seek alternatives to have their emotional or physical needs met.
Revealing these vulnerabilities in your relationship won’t be easy, but it is necessary in order to begin the reconciliation process. When you know what needs to be fixed, you can minimise the chances of the same thing happening again in future.
3. Take responsibility
For the person who has cheated on their spouse, taking responsibility means owning up to the mistake, apologising to your spouse, and committing to end things with the third party. Acknowledge the hurts you have cause your spouse (and children, if any), and re-commit to making them your priority.
It doesn’t just stop with saying the right words, but also involves taking deliberate actions. For example, after ending your affair, what steps will you take to avoid a similar incident in future? This might look like changing your job to cut ties with the colleague you had an affair with, and keeping one-on-one meetings with persons of the opposite sex strictly to public places.
4. Work on your relationship again
Once both of you have identified the core issues that led to the breakdown of the marriage, you can now work on how to fix those issues. While the partner who cheated may have the tougher task of regaining the trust of their family, the one who was cheated on also has a part to play. If there was poor communication or lack of affection, both parties need to work together to improve in those areas.
Find out what each of you are seeking in a relationship, and how each person can satisfy those needs. Re-establish expectations of what you wish to see in your relationship, and outline clear steps of how each of you can contribute to a stronger, healthier marriage.
5. Seek professional help
Evidently, mending a broken marriage after infidelity requires a lot of communication with your spouse, including times you need to be vulnerable about your feelings. It’s definitely not easy and trying to speak to each other with all the difficult emotions involved can quickly spiral into defensiveness and arguments.
For more productive discussions, it is a good idea to engage the help of a relationship therapist in Singapore. The marriage counsellor plays the role of a facilitator and mediator, guiding the conversations to ensure they are constructive for the relationship’s progress.
Conclusion
There might be times the journey seems long, difficult, and not worth the effort, but if it is something you and your spouse really want to achieve, it is more than possible. It might help to envision your family becoming stronger, more bonded, and cherishing the time together even more, and knowing that every effort you put it in is helping your family work towards that goal.
Should you find it easier with a counsellor’s help to guide you and your family through this time, you can find a therapist that you can trust to journey with you. Ideally, the therapist you choose should be someone well-versed with family and marriage counselling, and better still if they share similar beliefs and values as you do. If you wish to speak to our family counsellor, you can do so by making an appointment with us.