Emotional Support 101: How To Validate Someone's Emotions

Do you ever  come home to rant to your family about something that really frustrated you that day, but you don’t feel like you are being heard or understood? It’s not that your spouse or parent or sibling are not attentive or not listening. In fact, they may respond with something like “I’ve had worse days than that.” or “You should be thankful it wasn’t any worse.” The problem is not that they are not present or listening. Instead, it is that they are not validating your feelings.

When you rant to someone, you usually want the other person to empathise with or validate your frustrations. In a broader sense, to feel validated is to feel like your emotions are valid – your feelings are justified, you are allowed to feel, and given space to feel a certain way. The act of validation makes a person feel heard and respected, and can make them feel supported and comforted.

Learning to validate someone else’s feelings is an important part of communicating well and forming strong relationships. It may not feel natural at first, but with a few guiding points, you can learn how to validate someone’s emotions to build better connections and practice empathy.

1.        Describe their point of view

Simply stating facts or a describing a situation from the other person’s point of view can be very validating in itself. It may involve repeating or paraphrasing what the other person has said. For example, if your partner is upset about having to miss an important appointment due to a flat tyre, you could say something like, “I know how important that event was to you. The flat tyre couldn’t have come at a worse timing.” This simple act can show that you are listening and trying to see things from their perspective.

2.        Describe how they might be feeling

Similarly, you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they would feel. You may not feel the exact same way about the situation, but you can show that you are empathising by saying something like “You must be feeling frustrated about this.” This makes the other person feel like their feelings are valid – like it is natural and they are allowed to have those feelings. Here are some other useful phrases to use:

·      That’s really disappointing/maddening … I can see why you did that.

·      I would be frustrated/confused/annoyed in that situation too.

·      You have every right to be angry/sad.

3.        Validate, even if you don’t agree or understand

It can be really difficult to validate someone’s feelings when you don’t actually agree or fully understand why they feel a certain way. Most of the time, you could try and clarify the situation to better understand why the other person is feeling that way.

If you still don’t completely understand or agree, you could still validate them by accepting that given the circumstances and that person’s state at that point in time, their reaction and feelings are valid. For example, you don’t have to say “I would feel that way too.” – but instead, you could say “It’s a really upsetting situation. It makes sense that you are angry.”

4.        Withhold advice or defence until later

So, when is it the right time to validate someone versus giving advice or defending your position? Every situation differs, but a general rule is that validation is always a good thing to do before going into providing solutions or explanations. Making someone feel validated puts them in a better emotional place to be accepting of your suggestions or other explanations.

Example 1: Your sibling comes home and rants to you about their colleague at work. Although you feel that the colleague was not really in the wrong, it is far better to listen to your sibling’s side of the story and validate their emotions first – because that is what they are seeking by ranting to you – before trying to offer up an alternative perspective.

Example 2: You come home late from work, and your partner is upset as you promised to have dinner together. Even if you have extenuating circumstances, it is better to validate your partner’s feelings of feeling upset and having waited a long time. More often than not, this would defuse the situation a little and make them more accepting of hearing your side of the story.

Conclusion

Seeking validation is one way we seek and build connections with people that matter, and in the same way, learning how to give validation is equally important. The next time you have the opportunity to be a listening ear to someone, we hope the above tips will help you get started with what to say.

Listening, validating, and holding space in a non-judgmental way is also a huge part of what our mental health counsellors do at Being Counselling and Wellness. Sometimes, you just want a neutral third-party to be a listening ear, or you may be seeking professional guidance to manage certain emotions better. If you are looking for a listening ear or counselling services in Thomson – simply book your appointment with us to get started!