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How To Engage in Active Listening To Improve Relationships

Writer's picture: ElianaEliana

Two women chatting happily with each other

“Are you even listening to me?”


Frustrated sighs, feeling alone, unheard, and finally giving up even trying to talk to the other person – these are all signs that there is poor listening involved in a relationship. No one likes to be ignored, and to feel like they are talking to a wall. Most people especially want to be heard and understood by their loved ones, as these are the people we expect should know us best and be the most interested in our life.


But many people don’t actually know how to be a good listener. Maybe you cannot relate to what your family member is saying, or you dismiss their problems too easily when all they are seeking is comfort from you. Yet, by stopping to listen and understand, we can glean so much from what the other person is saying and manage conflicts better.


So, if you want to understand your family member better, improve the way you communicate with them, and strengthen your relationships, here’s a good place to start – active listening.


What is active listening?

We can think of active listening as comprising two parts: listening to understand, and demonstrating that you are listening (and understanding). Active listening improves relationships by making the other person feel respected and heard. There is a feeling of reliance and vulnerability by sharing their personal thoughts, and further strengthening of the bond when a desired response (e.g. receiving comfort, advice, or triggering a change in behaviour) is evoked.


Listening to understand

You may wonder: Is it possible to listen and not understand? Take this (slightly ridiculous) example: At the dinner table, Jack asks her sister, “Can you pass the salt?” To listen without understanding would be to say something like, “Yes, I have hands, so I can,” but without actually passing the salt along. But true understanding is knowing that Jack is requesting for someone to pass the salt to him, and actually performing that action.


While not so ridiculous, many of our conversations in daily life are similar, where we may only listen to the surface meaning and fail to grasp what the other person is really saying. In such cases, we need to pay attention to a variety of cues, like their tone of voice, their body language, and our personal understanding of them, to arrive at a better understanding.


Another example we may encounter in the home is a wife saying to her husband, “I think the house is getting a little messy.” Is she simply commenting about the state of the house? Or is it a request for help? Or a complaint? Of course, people are no mind-readers, but a person who listens to understand would make the effort to seek clarification to improve the communication. In this case, the husband may reply, “It is getting a little out of hand. I can make some time to clean the house this weekend. Would you like that?”



Showing understanding

Of course, there is little use in understanding what someone is saying, and simply storing that knowledge in your brain without the appropriate outward actions. People want to know that they are heard, so let them see that you are really listening. Put down everything else you were doing, establish eye contact, and give them your fullest attention.


A really good tip for showing someone that you hear them is to repeat what they said back to them, paraphrased. Asking relevant follow-up questions also shows that you are listening and interested in what the other person has to say. For example, if someone said “I had the worst day today,” you can respond with “It was a terrible day for you, huh? Do you want to talk about it?



Active listening with empathy

To listen with empathy is to try to understand what someone else is saying from their point of view. You don’t have to agree with them, but you can validate their experience and feelings. For example, instead of immediately saying “You know that’s not right”, you could say “I can see why you did that in that situation.”


When practising empathetic listening, refrain from judging or criticising. Instead, you can imagine being in their situation and identify the feelings that they may feel. For example, “I can imagine you must be really frustrated right now.” Naming emotions helps the other person to process their emotions and feel like they are being understood.


Conclusion

Communication is a two-way street which encompasses not just speaking, but also listening. In this article, we have shared how listening is not just a passive activity of absorbing information, but an active one of observing, understanding, empathising, and responding. We hope these tips can help you develop better listening and communicative habits with your loved ones, reduce misunderstandings, and strengthen your relationships.


Some strained relationships need a little more work to get them back on track – and for that, we suggest turning to relationship counselling in Singapore for professional help. Through a couples or group therapy format, our family and couple counsellors can help individuals and families become more aware of the blind spots in their relationships, work on improving their emotional management and communication, and develop healthier relationships with each other. To begin, simply submit a booking form sharing with us the issues you are facing.

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